Aisle of Gripes

Posted by snobbog on

Two faces emerge from the frozen food case and give their spin on the behaviors of various shoppers.

Gripes #1

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Gripes #2

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Aisle of Gripes Scenario, Script

Setting: Check-out Aisle

 Two faces appear, one out of each side of the aisle. If possible their faces use an image of the aisle as a texture map. The Aisle can be determined based on ability to capture a map, but likely something flat, canned goods or the freezer section.

Scene 1:

#1:
If they had just made a dash button for me, my life would have been completely different. You need a GPS to find things around here, so here I am a generic with no celebrity status.

#2:
All anyone has to do is look for a staff person, they would be super-happy to be your personal dash button.

#1:
Yea, right, its like staff daycare around here. Find your walking buddy, you don’t want to be left alone, stay in pairs blocking the aisle while you do your menial task.

#2:
OK, don’t listen, but people follow me, I’m a Consent Producer, a micro influencer.

#1:
No, you are a nano influencer, and I am the nan-NO.

#2:
You’ve got to put all your meat on the grill boy, because there is always some one around with a skewer.

#1:
The world is a disappointment, first you disappoint your parents, then they disappoint you. Then every one you know disappoints each other. The fact that a pound of beef cooks down to 12 ounces isn’t that big a deal in comparison.

Scene 2:

#1:
People should have IQ tests before they can get in the self-checkout

#2:
They just want it faster, fresher and cheaper. That isn’t too much to ask.

#1:
Exactly, they used home delivery then discovered that main ingredient in the recipe was “out of stock.” Now they are stuck behind someone in self-checkout going through pages and pages of produce listings.

#2:
But it’s so fun when they bring their kids. They are like wild little animals running up and down the aisles.

#1:
Yea and then they crash into a giant cardboard display of a cartoon character holding 1000 pounds of junk food.

#2:
They are so cute and happy when they are playing tag with dripping popsicles.

#1:
I wish I had earplugs but they are two aisles over.

Scene 3:

#1:
Oh yea, now there’s a shopping cart in the middle of the aisle. Who owns that cart? We don’t know. We don’t know! They are probably blocking the middle of some other aisle right now!

#2:
Calm down! They thought they needed a pound of wild salmon and then decided on Shrimp. But when they got here they realized they could really only afford Baloney.

#1:
It’s the same person who holds up the entire check-out line to run and get something they forgot.

#2:
They are on a scavenger hunt, some noodles are in the pasta aisle and others are with International Foods. Next week they’ve been moved somewhere else, remembering you forgot something is what makes shopping fun.

#1:
And then do you think they could pack their own groceries? No, there is a line but it’s beneath them.

#2:
I appreciate a professional bagger, no one knows how to fully smoosh bread at the bottom of a bag unless they have been doing it for a while.

#1
It doesn’t matter what decisions you make, you will regret them when you are 40.

Scene 4:

#1:
The freezer doors are clear glass but somehow they have to have the doors open to examine everything before making a decision.

#2:
Having the doors open just helps with air conditioning, so we can play Antartica.

#1:
Oh here comes the person with the cart that goes plop, plop, plop. You wouldn’t think a basket on wheels would be such an advance-engineering project.

#2:
They probably have a gummy worm stuck in it, because who can resist tasting all those goodies in bulk foods?

#1:
Right, they are over there munching on the bulk food buffet, while talking on their cell phones, because who doesn’t need to have an ongoing conversation about everything they are doing?

#2:
They are on their phone waiting to be next in line.

#1:
You are not next. You are never next! The cashier at the next counter yells “next in line!” and the person behind you is already there. You aren’t next, you are never next, you are either in a line or not.

#2:
Come on, it is perfectly fine to step out of line for a deal like 10 for 10 dollars. It means you really should buy ten of those things and then step back in line.

Scene 5:

#1:
I always choose the wrong line. I’m almost to the check-out and its either some one has to write a check or their cash card won’t scan so suddenly they have a little bit of drama before they can get their pop and chips. Oh Yea, we’re going to be here a little bit longer “Pudgy.”

#2:
You have it all wrong, people love being behind some one like an Extreme Couponer getting those coupons doubled and tripled. It is really the best when they get a personal visit from the store manager who has to use their password and key.

#1:
Oh right, that is such a pleasure, like when It says “20 items or less” and people act like they don’t know that 20 is the number between 19 and 21, not somewhere between a hundred and a bazillion.

#2:
They are just substituting feelings for ethics and cheap thrills for costly experiences, it’s the new economy.

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